I had mentally prepared myself a few days in advance by searching the Google Gods (yes, I for real Googled it) for tips to make bathing suit shopping bearable. Google God said to do the typical things that make you feel better about yourself, like shave your legs and bikini line, do hair and make up. I wasn't completely satisfied with that answer so I talked with Ticklebug who recommended taking Andi and/or S. He thought they would be best because they have awesome, healthy body images, and they are two friends who wouldn't run away from my rolls...hahaha!!! He didn't say the roll thing, I totally added that.
Bug and Monster ended up having to come with me to look for the bathing suit because of Ticklebug's work schedule. In my mind I had pictured my six and nine year old on their best behavior. I figured they would understand that mommy was about to endure hours of torture. I was wrong. I swear they must have gone into the bathroom at some point and snorted a line of pixie stix because they were freaking crazy.
|I love this comic! I don't know who did it...but I got it via|
After dropping off the spawn and picking up Andi we went back to the mall. The first stop was Macy's. I had seen all kinds of cute suits on the internet and wanted to try them on. Sadly, Macy's was horribly disorganized and I didn't see any of the bathing suits from online. Be that as it may, Andi and S still managed to find close to 20 different
After suit 23,203 I was becoming grumpy. I think Andi sensed this because she came in and decided she would try on some suits too. Okay, these next few sentences are going to sound really lesbionic. While Andi and I were trying on suits together I turned and looked at her. Her perfectly done dark black hair and naughty secretary glasses made me gasp. Bitch was looking straight like Alex Vause from "Orange is the New Black!"
The realization that Andi (from now on called Alex) looked like Ms. Vause became the obsession for the rest of the day. S and I couldn't stop calling her "Alex," Ms. Vause," and "AV."
Back to the my suffering.... We didn't get any suits from Macy's. We ended up going to the specialty shop Everything But Water. Just for one part of a two piece it was like $80! Again, I tried on a zillion different suits. Thankfully, I had some coffee so I goofed off a bit. I did some twerking for Alex and S. ;)
|Alex and S's faces afterwards bahahahah!!!! via|
If you want my advice on bathing suit shopping... I have none. That shit blows harder than a starving hooker trying to make a dollar!